How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
