as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
