He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
