I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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