if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's blow job season.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
