Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
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My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
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Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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