She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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