He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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