i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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