Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Randomize
