I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
