I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
