Please, let me fuck your mom
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
