Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
