are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
