dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
