I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
