so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
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No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
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No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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