I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
