matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
