there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
