just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize