my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
