I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
