There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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