so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
