Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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