Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
