i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
