i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
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Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
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There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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