you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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