Four minutes until I can fart!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
