we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
