I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
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I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
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Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.