The maid of honor just puked.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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