im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
