3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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