the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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