I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
