oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
operation have a gay friend backfired
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
