I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
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We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
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the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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