It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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