She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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