I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
