a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
