he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize