Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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