Barsexuality is the new black.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Everclear isn't food dammit
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