Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
