someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
