I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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