a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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