Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just put wine in my tea
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Let's get the cat blown out
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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