No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
