I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
