I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
