i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
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I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
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I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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