sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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