i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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