Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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