I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
