I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
